Out of the blue, in a quite hot night of august, while I was staring on an ipad my girl showed me *forcefully* she was playing, a thought occured to me: I had stayed at home too long. We just moved to a new home and I had pretty much done everything by myself. Not that it's a very great thing or anything but the last 2 and a half weeks kicked me in the butt and got my lazy ass up.
I've always been secretly melancholic. People must see me as a cheerful and a bit outgoing person, the closest find me funny too. One or two know I'm this geek who writes poems and stuff on my diary, remembers every lyric, watches action movies and crying over the drama *geez*. During the last moment of my college years, I met some friends who shared the same fondness for books of particular genre, poem writing, and stuff. They found me inspirational and I really didn't mind the compliment. The stuff was my aspiration.
Jumping to the present. Me, a stay at home mom of a 17 month old girl. The last time I read a novel must be around two years ago, and writing? I can write?? I feel like I've always been like this. No hobby, no special skill, sometimes no degree. Have I made my self dumber? The friend I mentioned above texted me a couple of weeks ago to say hi and I was kinda scared she was going to bring up a conversation involving new movies, books, as I would've had no idea about those. Thank god she didn't.
A lightning stroke me; "I'm an ordinary person", and I've always hated being that. But a month ago I had a chat with my elder sister. We talked about kids and she said she doubted if she could be a good mother (she's not married yet, but soon), as she couldn't think of any better thing a mother could do than what I'd done to my girl *tears*. Of course I didn't show her the tears. But she didn't know how much what she said meant to me and my ego. And also I never knew she saw me like that. I felt so honored and proud. I didn't want her to know what had been bothering me, because she always thought I was a smart and confident girl who gave the fullest to what I was doing. She would either be disappointed I changed or be angry I gave up, and I didn't want both. And hey, yes I'm still that person. I know my aspiration changed a bit but not my spirit. I like to kinda give speech to my friends and family, be it about cosmetics or products I think are good, or about a new knowledge, and they tend to finally use/believe the same products I "advertise".
Since I got pregnant, I've read everything there is to read and I can say there's almost nothing about pregnancy, kids and baby stuff I don't know of. Many women do this too, but many don't, and that's enough of a great deal. I'm something with extra
Back to what I stated on the first paragraph, I know I'm good as a mom, but not too good a stay at home mom IF too long *grin*. Often, while washing clothes or mopping the floor, I thought, "Shouldn't I be inspiring people somewhere?" Also the fact that I can write this long proves I need something to do.
Cheers.
